Tuesday, March 31

[hard work, sticktoitiveness and a shovel]

"how do you find a person that died in 1962?"

[what other people did today]

"How Do You Take Magic Mushrooms"

"How Do You Prepare for a Colonoscopy"

"How Do You Tell Your Boss You're Quitting"

"How Do You Know If You Have a Busted Eardrum"

[a delectable double entendre]

"How does pregnant Barbie work?"

[get off the internet]

"how do you get your avatar to cry"

Monday, March 30

[fetish alert]

"wrestler groping women her titties"

[don't make me think]

"how much is a million dollars worth"


i can't even tell you how common this kind of search is.

[obviously]

"i also tell people this story to show that it doesnt matter"

[get off the internet]

"need some lucky mega million lotto numbers"

[this one just writes itself]

"used cheerleading equipment for sale"

[rhymes with 'inbred']

"used hybred cars for sale in west tennessee"

note: west tennessee is actually not the capital of inbred hybreds; this distinction belongs to Iowa.

Friday, March 27

[o, canada!]

"What Do Canadians Eat for Breakfast"

"What Do Canadians Eat for Dinner"

"Foods That Canadian People Eat"

And if you need to just start from the beginning in your culture quest...

"Definition of a Canadian"

[an all too frequent problem]

"African American Websites Who Are Trying to Become Pregnant"

Thursday, March 26

[spring break]

"Las Vegas Vacation With the Lesbian Neighbor Bitch"

Tuesday, March 24

[leftover valentine's searches]

"Camping in Maine Secluded Places to Take Your Pet"

Monday, March 23

[new pet research]

"Can Penguins Live in Arizona in the Winter?"

Thursday, March 19

[skeptical mother's little helper]

"does my child need prescription pain killers for braces pain?"

[rice-a-roni]

"what was the main food they would eat during the spanish american war?"

[who said it was?]

"Why Would It Be Helpful to Find a Rock That Is a Million Years Old?"

Tuesday, March 17

[ fetish alert ? ]

"how to stop pulling on your horse's mouth when you ride"

[effeminate franklin]

"the name of all the delicates who signed the constitution"

Monday, March 16

[new travel restrictions]

"where can single women travel during the summer for vacation"

[culinary q&a]

"What did they eat for breakfast in the midevil times?"


Jews.

[self-evident, I think]

"causes of vaginal bleeding after a hysterectomy of 15 years"

[all my new children]

"Can an adult legally adopt another adult?"

[fetish alert]

"fertile pussy egg tight deep pregnant baby impregnate please dont"

[fetish alert]

"strap inch paddle leather punishment discipline handle london make spanking"

[master balls]

"how can i have infinite master balls in pokemon?"

Friday, March 13

[seriously.]

"how women were not considered as nuisances in medieval times"

[are you good with cash registers?]

"am dying here. i need money now. either pay me or employ me."

[i'm sure it's fine]

"will methamphetamine use affect my hiv treatment"

[walk in my footsteps, brother]

"Christian Men Who Wear Pantyhose"

[only the baptists]

Do Christians Hate Cats?

[hurry up, bitch]

"how long this dog pregnancy last?"

[mental & penile retardation]

"How to Mentally make your penis hard without drugs"

[coming out of the eCloset]

"how to let everyone know you have been created by an internet company"

[uganda love it]

"what actions are being done to reduce the stress of the gorrilas of uganda?"

[shtupp who you wanna shtupp]

"can a woman sponsoring someone for greencard get pregnant for someone else?"

[it's probably the shoes]

"what makes your feet feel like they are burning when you wear certain shoes"

Thursday, March 12

[subtle entendres]

"Vacations for lost married women with children"
I would have a lot of follow-up questions if I had to answer this one.

Wednesday, March 11

"how to make your hair grow black sistas"

Tuesday, March 10

[damn good question]

"what happens if i cast 2 love spells at once on the same person?"

[get a lawyer]

"can a parent be sued in court for not keeping a promise to a child?"

[sarcasm alert]

"i'm glad to hear you had a good time dancing"

[get off the radio]

"whats that happy sounding song thats always on 107.9? a guy sings it"

[get a typewriter. seriously.]

"how do i write a letter on an apple computer do i have to press file or edit?"

[don't make me choose]

"are carrots good or vegetables"

Monday, March 9

[go back and read the story]

"Who Performed the Wedding Ceremony for Adam & Eve?"

If you can't remember the details of The Big Day, let me refresh your memory: the story of Adam & Eve is exactly like Weird Science, except Adam (Anthony Michael Hall) didn't have a dweeby sidekick in this movie, the naked pictures fed into the weird-science machine was a rib-ectomy that Adam did not consent to, and Eve (Kelly LaBroc) was created to be married (and not just to look like Adam had a hot girlfriend who he was shtupping so the other kids in Weird Science High would think he was actually cool and not a semi-pubescent Anthony Michael Hall). In both cases though, it was more like an event, and not quite a ceremony like you're thinking. And before you start asking the follow-up questions, I'll also go ahead and let you know that there wasn't a caterer, a band, gifts for the groomsmen, or a limo to take them to some fancy 5-star hut in Eden, either.

I strongly suggest that you immediately put down either the Bible or the April issue of
Modern Bride, because the two together are just confusing you now. Slow down, tiger.

[hunting hippies]

"colors that hippies wear"

[in what way?]

"i am better than your kids"
"how to make weird drugs at home"

[the clarion call]

"make pot legal and fluoride illegal"

[run for your life if you can]

"what will happen to christians in an obama administration?"

[get a new hobby. please.]

"how to make doll food"

[hippie nightmares]

"how to make hemp necklaces when run out of hemp"

[all the other machines are doing it]

"how to make a fourwheeler quit smoking"

Saturday, March 7

[get off the internet]

"Why is jessica so fat?"

[airhead]

"history of oxygen the element"

[a starch for all cultures]

"African american lasgna recipe"

[fill in the blank]

"Proud to be a canadian because "

Friday, March 6

[jew or no jew?]

"illinois governor jewish rod blagojevich arrested"

Bla-GOY-evich? I'm afraid not; Blago's Serbian and Easter Orthodox. And anyway, what kind of headline is THAT? 'Illinois GovernorJewish Rod Blagojevich Arrested'

[no, she's not attracted to you]

"signs of attraction she fidgets with her jewelty"

[just apply yourself]

"how do I build the best gummi ship?"

[evil insurance companies]

"how to knock someone out with an overthecounter pill"


what, you couldn't just get a prescription for potassium chloride?
Ohh, insurance doesn't cover New LiquiCaps! well ... carry on then.

[mama said knock you out]

"how to knock out someone in one move"
"how to knock out someone with one punch"
"how to knock someone out with one finger"
"how to knock someone out with one touch"
"how to knock someone out without touching them"

"how to knock someone out instantly"

Thursday, March 5

[bring them to me!]

"addresses of companies who are making earplugs in pakistan"

[mama said knock you out, redux]

"how to knock someone out without hurting them"

"how to knock someone out to have sex with them"

"how to knock out someone with hand sanitizer"

"how to knock someone out with chemicals"

"how to knock someone out with household items"

Wednesday, March 4

[lay off the grass]

"what causes a dog to eat grass and vomit daily?"

[know your rights, R2]

"what rights do robots have?"

[know your rights]

"do i have rights if i quit my job?"
"Symptom dog licking his anus"

[wtf]

"do men think women should wear shorts?"

Tuesday, March 3

[twenty-four years later]

"Tired All the Time Syndrome"


Eddie Murphy ... or Rick James?

[metaphysical red alert]

"Things Don't Exist in San Diego Anymore"

[don't make me choose]

"the best place to punch someone"

[ok, General Zod!]

"I Want All the Information on Superman I Can Get"

[um....]

"Topics for Dogs With Arthritis"
"history of energy"

[history made more boring]

"history of slippers"
"history of refried beans"
"history of recess"
"history of jack in the box restaurant in missouri"

[more jesuses]

"learn how to pray christian jesus"
"how to roll jesus joints"
"how can people fight jesus?"
"jesus owns yahoo dell"
"free pictures of the real meaning of christmas jesus"

[presents for jebus]

"how to make a wooden box for jesus"
"what was you best christmas gift ever jesus"

[buddha / booty]

"nothing eases suffering like human touch"

[no, you do it!]

"name all the penguins that live in antarctica"

Monday, March 2

[don't make me choose]

"rotten fruit vs. good fruit"

[dude, it's pretend]

"amazo vs. superman who would win"

[turn off the playstation for, like, 5 minutes]

"why is the importance of energy so important"

[oy]

"poems of the important of education"

[no, you need a fire extinguisher...]

"need recipe to cook turkey in a brown bag"

[it's a search engine, not creepy voicemail]

"mitt romney, should god speak to you?"

[what's a man to do]

"Men Should Not Wear Deodorant"
"Men Should Not Wear Women's Clothing"
"Men Should Wear Diapers"

[never, ever give up]

"how to make a homemade space satellite"

[another stupid idea]

"how to make a homemade needle to inject drugs"

[an excellent contribution to society]

"How to Make a Dog Mean"