[google. the new jesus]

"what should i do with my life Lord?"

"You know the way to the place where I am going." Thomas said to him, "Lord, we don't know where You're going. So how can we know the way?" Jesus answered him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one goes to the Father except through Me.If you have known Me, you will also know my Father. From now on you know Him through Me and have seen Him in Me." -- John 14:4-7

As far as i know (and I'm no Christian), 'Me' does not equal Google. Get off the internet and go back to church.

[ooh-gee]

"Show Me an Ouji Board"

[absolutely]

"should you wear high heels on the first day of school?"

[it's called DRYwall]

"Should You Wash New Drywall Before Painting?"

[look at granny run run]

"Should the Granny Drive a Car?"

[no title needed]

"How could I forget that I had"

[as opposed to what?]

"why are there black spots on my human tongue?"

[j00 crazy!]

"why jewish women wear jewlery"

[new word alert]

"the most unliked cuntary in the world"

[your mom]

"what is the best joke in the world ever?"

[please explain]

"how will hummer h4 help society?"

[1st rule of babysitting]

"Why do babysitters have to spank?"

[help please]

"what can i use from around the house as a dildo?"

[ok, last MJ searches]

"what type of shampoo does michael jackson use?"

"what instruments can michael jackson play?"

"what is michael jackson doing now?"

"what is so good about michael jackson?"

"where is michael jackson now?"

[damn straight]

"michael jackson is not a genre of music"

[you mean 'was'. and yes.]

"is michael jackson a boy lover?"

[not anymore]

"can michael jackson still dance?"

[more MJ!]

"i want michael jackson to rape me"

"I want to be raped by michael jackson"

[MJ!]

"what was the michael jackson song with little kids in the music video"

That wasn't a song. That was just a Tuesday.

[i wanna go]

"abducting a cow"

[stay classy, san diego]

"how to fuck a lady"

[already drunk]

"when i drink alone i like to be by myself"

[with you or against you]

"why do i like to eat scotch tape?"

"why do i like asians?"

"why do i like dancing?"

[wow. good one]

"monkey fucking a football"

[make them walk]

"should i drive my kids 1 hour to school?"

[why?]

"what is the fastest way to get cancer?"

[possible?]

"what is the best method to melt ice without heat"

[put some pants on]

"the best ways to conceal that you are wearing diapers"

[meaning what]

"safest way to snort cocaine"

"whats the best way to make a woman happy with a penis?"

"where is the best place to go in march?"

[NSFW again]

"can a dog fuck a woman?"
"can a man fuck a dog?"
"can a woman fuck a horse?"
"can you fuck a dog?"

well, CAN you?

[tech breakthrough!]

"will an airplane take off on a treadmill"

[ouch]

"fucking a coke can"

[i really dont know]

"Best lingerie for a guy to wear"

[very, very NSFW]

all i can say is... wow.

"how to fuck a car"
"how to fuck a cat"
"how to fuck a chicken"
"how to fuck a couch"
"how to fuck a cougar"
"how to fuck a cow"
"how to fuck a dildo"
"how to fuck a dog"
"how to fuck a dog in the ass"
"how to fuck a dog man"
"how to fuck a fixed dog"
"how to fuck a girl dog"
"how to fuck a dolphin"
"how to fuck a duck"
"how to fuck a granny"
"how to fuck a horse"
"how to fuck a lady"
"how to fuck a liberal"
"how to fuck a mare"
"how to fuck a melon"
"how to fuck a taurus"
"how to fuck a teacher"
"how to fuck a watermelon"

[no one said you would]

"i would never fuck a sheep"

[wtf]

"the most popular guys name when dating who is only out for one thing"

you've got some serious issues. get off the internet and figure them out.

[now who's laughing?]

"that nigger obama will never be president"

[get off the internet]

"Why Does a Diabetic Smell Sweet?"

[because you're retarded]

"why is this person criticizing me to other"

[OMG, why]

"why is my boyfriend acting the way he is"

[you can't just use words]

"how does ethics affect the price of a stock"

i don't think you know what ethics, price, or stock really mean. I mean, this *sounds* like a legitimate question, and i'm not mad at our algorithm for finding it, i'm just mad that so many people are retarded and they're all allowed on the internet.

[wtf? really?]

"Self sucking dick"

[i know how you feel]

"She forgot my mother fucken fries"

[they all do]

"Why Has My Menstrual Cycle Lasted a Month?"

[omg, seriously]

"why would courtney really hire a private investigator & not look herself?"

[more varginas]

"why do women put pool ball in their vargina?"

[do it]

"why not to control nature"

[who are you talking to]

"why do you think honesty is the best policy?"

[heh, you said titty]

"Why is lake titicaca so famous?"

[roots]

"why did african americans migrate to america?"

'Migrate'? Like, "Hey, Levar Kunta-Kinte Burton! Let's take a cruise to America and be slaves! For white people! On plantations!"? Please. Go back to school for just ONE day, ok? for me?

"why do african americans have big lips?"

"why do african americans get nose jobs?"

"why can african americans jump so high?"

[help a sister out]

"why am i growing man hair?"

[why are you retarded]

"Why Is the Redwood Tree Considered a National Park?"

[yeah, why]

"Why Do Japanese Woman Hate Black Men?"

[why, why, why]

"Why Are Rubber Ducks Yellow?"

"Why Does My Rabbit Poop on My Bed?"

"Why Are People Obesity?"

"Why Are Rats Still a Problem Today?"

"Why Businesses Use Email"

"Why Meth Making Feet Swell Up"

"Why Do Cars Freeze First?"

"Why Does the Color of My Coffee Match Your Eyes?"

"Why Do Pilgrims Go on Pilgrimages?"

"Why I Love Flowers"

[alert the CDC!]

"shithead disease"

[lyrics?]

"she only likes me for my willy my willy really turns me on"

[today we are all unicorns]

"really unicorns in human disguise"

[like, retarded or not fast?]

"really slow strippers"

[ok!]

"repeat to yourself its just a show i should really just relax"

[/this/ tall]

"How old to you have to be to work here?"

[if only you coulda]

"shoulda ruled the world"

[what other options are there?]

"should men take off their belt to spank their wives?"

[obviously]

"should i have perky nipples?"

[oh, magic internet genie]

"should i bet on the celtics tonight?"

[gospel hero]

"should christians play guitar hero?"

[thanks for asking?]

"should we use the ocean as a landfill or not?"

[knock ourselves out]

"should we wonder what heaven will be like?"

[a real question?]

"should fecies float or sink in toilet?"

[never, never!]

"should arabians eat alfalfa?"

[don't coddle him]

"should i re-adopt my dog?"

[fresh out of ideas]

"should i try drinking?"

[wtf]

"should i take my clothes of to have sex"

only if you don't wanna get pregnant...

[go for it]

"should i build a parking lot?"

[enough with the anal]

"relife form anal fissher"

I like how 'anal' is the only word spelled correctly.

[bad idea, bad grammar]

"putting a rock ofcrystal meth in your anal"

[they have beds?]

"Decorating a Hippie Bedroom"

[racist alert]

"signs of a nigger lover"

[fetish alert, wtf edition]

"she forced her husband to swallow her shit"

[ho ho ho]

"santa with his dick in his hands"

[fetish alert]

"rabbit and anal"

[go dawg]

"should i become a bounty hunter?"

[play games that jesus played]

"fun things to do without sexual intercourse"

[i think he was a busy dude]

"what games did jesus play?"

-- the best games ever. probably.

[go back to school]

"At What Temperature Does Skin Melt?"

[sure, ask a machine]

"is any body willing to add me as your friend?"

[too late]

"how loud is too loud?"

[um... very?]

"How windy is too windy?"

[please let this not be mine]

"how to write a ceo's annual report"

[how much you got?]

"how far in until someone can get pregnant?"

[superWHAT]

"how much super do i need?"

"how much super should i have?"

superWHAT? superglue, superbness, superficiality? superfluousnesses?

[you're fucked, that's what]

"what does a credit rating 9 mean?"

"What Kind of Car Should a Man Drive?"

[i'll field this one]

Q: "What Could Cause a Stabbing Pain in the Lower Leg?"

A: a stabbing

[wow]

"how to potty train a rabbit quietly"

thanks, @annaroth

[don't tell me what to do]

"commit to an airline"

"Tips for Moving Without Bringing Roaches"

[no more for you]

"making camping accessories for a teddy bear"

[backed by real news]

"how to avoid waking up in a morgue"

I saw that search a while ago, but then yesterday i saw this:

Polish Woman Wakes Up in Morgue
An 84-year-old woman, declared dead by a doctor in central Poland, woke up in a morgue as morticians were preparing her for a funeral, doctors said.

maybe our searcher was on to something...

[oh, please...]

"How to Climb the Side of a Wall With Rope Like a Ninja"

[just ONE]

"a famous person in argentina"
"a famous person in china"
"a famous person in france"
"a famous person in japan"

[it's hard]

"how not to ejaculate during a prostate exam"

[i think you know]

"How small is a small cock?"

[varginas]

"how should your vargina look?"

[you need to ask this for...?]

"Should I bring crutches?"

"how can i pass a drug test while i'm high on meth?"

[wtf?]

"how big is size?"

[i'm dying to know]

"God Please Help Me Stop"

[ok....]

"God didn't want to be such an asshole"

[a lot to learn]

"flirt homo tips"

[thanks for asking]

"should men wash hands after urinating?"

nah, i'm pretty sure the penis is the cleanest part of the body. go finish making my burger, ok?

[no, you can't]

"and I could write a song a hundred"

apparently, you can't even do that, so stop bragging about your song writing prowess to a search box, ok?

[you're dumb]

"should i go to work with shingles?"

yeah. and you should volunteer at the nursing home, and maybe spend more time in your kids' classroom. while you're out, go to the supermarket and man-handle the produce.

"the boy who invented rap"

[who are you talking to?]

"Do I Look Like I Sell Drugs?"

[dummy]

"How Big Is a 32 Inch TV?"

[get off the internet]

"person who invented music"

[yeah, we give a shit]

"do men prefer mineral make up on woman?"

[frank quasar, jr.]

"Who Invented Quasars?"

[mini entendre]

"dwarf growing fruit trees"

[wtf]

"do men wear a bra to the doctor"

[the best one?]

"The Best Gang Banging Books for Teens"

[how many men?]

"do men like you to wear a nursing bra when you arent nursing for easy access?"

[?]

"am very hairy should i get a tattoo"

[sounds like a good plan]

"should i max out my credit cards before i file bankruptcy?"

"The Odds of Being Struck by Lightning in Illinois"

[definitely]

"Should I Feel Guilty About Having to Take Ritalin?"

[is this a 2nd grade joke i forgot?]

"What color was george washington's white horse?"

[kinda depends...]

"should i not wear underwear to school tomorrow?"

and no, that title pun was completely unintended.

[blow me]

"101 things every fan should do before he dies"

[i hate you, mom!]

"Is nature really motherly?"

[dumb dope dealer]

"give me the answer how many ounces are in a quarter pound"

[in this issue of Bunny Monthly]

"is a bunny the right pet for me test?"

[this month in Cosmo]

"Is That an Angry Penguin in Your Gym Bag Test?"

[high brow/low brow]

"What Is the Origin of the Word Cock As Pertains to Penis?"

[that's 9 too many]

"10 Reaons Why the Jonas Brothers Are Christians"

[seriously, mom?]

"Should I Let a Boy Wear a Skirt to School?"

"Should I Marry a Chinese Woman?"

[do it]

"Should I Wear Briefs Under My Boxer or Not?"

[get off the internet]

"What Should I Make for Dinner for My Boyfriend?"

[get off the internet]

"I'm Brunette Should I Go Blonde?"

[you're onto something now]

"windows do not cause condensation"

[probably]

"do cheating cause stroke?"

"what color eyes look better on a black woman grey or green"

"what color dragon am i?"

"what color are lemons in brazil?"

[noooo!]

"the lifetime movie premier what color is love did not come on on january 18 2009"

[get off the internet, mom]

"what color should a teenage girl paint her room?"

[need to know!]

"If You Choke a Smurf What Color Does it Turn?"

[how much you got?]

"cost of buttock injection"

[not anymore]

"you want to know if the average IQ of schizophrenics is 100"

[oh god]

"When Was Camping Invented?"

[really?}

"How to Make a Car From Bicycle Parts"

[yes. they do.]

"do frogs come from muddy soil?"

[answer right now!]

"yes or no will humans travel to other solor systems"

[early adopþer]

"microsoft fuck simulator"

[wtf?]

"which sex is angrier?"

[more on blacks]

"black people are mean"

"black people need to get off their butts & work"

"black people problems 80s"

[i don't think so]

"Can I Transfer My Ass Degree to a Bible College?"

[ass alert]

"how to make my ass look big"

[show n' tell]

"how to make your own pussy"

[we don't know black]

"do black people come from antigwa?"

"did black people come from adam & eve?"

"do canadians date black people?"

"do black people go to college?"

"do black people hate animals?"

[wwjd]

"should believers in jesus take depression pills?"

[the case for sex ed]

"can u get pregnant if he cumms in you?"

"can u get pregnant from fingering?"

"can you get pregnant while wearing clothes?"

"can you get pregnant from precum soaked through a condom?"

"can u get pregnant in a jacuzzi?"

"can u get pregnant from swallowing?"

[eating nemo]

"pez candy is made of fish parts"

[ruff!]

"Why Can I Hear My Silent Dog Whistle?"

[why?]

"Is It Possible to Make My Tongue Longer?"

[via @annaroth]

[in chinese, the word for symptom also means cure]

" signs and symptoms of car not turning over"

i just don't get this.

[good question to ask the internet]

"why am I getting a phd?"