Friday, May 29

[only the best enemas]

"what are the best wesbsites for pictures of insertions of enemas?"

Thursday, May 28

[sell your brother]

"How the Hell to Make Money in East Texas"

[sure you are...]

"Getting High on Orange Peels"

[ (iron) woman's apparel ]

"Female Iron Underwear in History"

[which mike?]

"I think mike is gay"

Tuesday, May 26

[only if you eat it, son]

"does driftwood need to be boiled?"

[say it like cletus would]

"what does penguins do for fun?"

[dogs that don't look like hitler]

I have an update for the dogs-that-look-like-other-things search queries. Here are a few more:

"Dogs That Look Like Benji"
"Dogs That Look Like Bolt"
"Dogs That Look Like Humans"
"Dogs That Look Like Mops"
"Dogs That Look Like Mr Winkle"
"Dogs That Look Like Pitbulls"
"Dogs Who Look Like Celebrities"
"Dogs Who Look Like Their Owner"
"Dogs Who Look Like There Owner"

[all day long]

"How Much Does One Gallon of Gasoline Weigh?"

[i can't take it anymore]

"Do Dogs Chase Their Tails or Is it Cats?"

[pure gold]

"What Colors Do Rich People Wear?"

[a rectangle?]

"Why Is the Texas Flag Shaped Like it Is?"

A rectangle? Like all other flags?

[get off the internet]

"Who Was the First Black Person to Live on Earth?"

like the searcher looking for the first person to ever have a dream, you are no longer allowed to even ask regular people regular questions. please. go away.

[wow. really?]

"The Advantages of Educating the Female Child"

Monday, May 25

[seeking meaning in all]

"What does it mean when a bird craps on you?"

It means you have bird shit on you. Go clean yourself up.

[get off the internet]

"Who Was the First Person to Have a Dream?‬‪"

you know what? just get off all of the internets. you're not even allowed to ask regular questions any more to people. and yes, I'm 'passing judgment' because somebody has to.

Sunday, May 24

[space pr0n]

"Two guys fooling around with the moon"

[finish your homework]

"Can I Have a Pet Rat With Granulomatous Disease?"

[oh, it's on!]

"Missouri Vs. Digital Photography"

[already drunk]

"Mexico Drinks That You Can Drink With Out a Recipes"

[you got extra balls?]

"is russia a good place to begin selling baseballs to?

[daily 'fact']

"Most People Who Suffer From Diabetes Live in New Zealand"

[legal fetish alert]

"Sex Slave Rules for Contracts of Enslavement"

...Pursuant to Code of Sex Slave Regulations 33 SSR 325.2(a)(8), the District Sex Slave Regulation Board issued permits or other...

Saturday, May 23

[apologies for the pun]

"The Best Time for Hard Shell Maine Lobster"

losing his soft shell at lobster prom and finally becoming a maine?

[do you need to?]

"The Best Ways to Bring Alcohol on Royal Caribbean"

[what's up in PA?]

"Pennsylvania Attraction for Child"

"Child Attraction & Pennsylvania"

seriously, what's the explanation for these searches?

Friday, May 22

[craigslist in utah]

"Can a Person Adopt a Baby Then Adopt it Out to Someone Else in Utah?"

[to stop annoying me?]

"Why Should I Go to Bali?"


"Does Dominican Republic Belong in a Country in Europe?"


"Why Do People Live in Canada?"

[why would i do that?]

"How to Make Me Wantto Sing"


"I'm in to Deep & I'm Trying to Keep"

[missing a tiny detail]

"Is it Cheaper to Fly or Drive to Florida?"

FROM WHERE!?!?!?!?!?!

[worse than mistake babies]

"catastrophic expenses of having a baby"

Thursday, May 21

[this sounds so gay]

"Big Boys & Their Toys Event in Arizona"

[sunday! sunday! sunday!]

"Strongest Man in World Vs. a Chimp"

[you had me at grannies]

"Sexy Grannies in Stockings & Heels"

[john mccain uses the google!]

"Offshore Drilling Is Good for America"

[not as high as you]

"The Odds of Being Struck by Lightning in Illinois"

[why, because you'll stop?]

"Is it Needful to Believe in Meaning of Life?"

[bad pun coming]

"are belts important to fashion?"

no... they're immaterial.

Wednesday, May 20


"How to Quit Smoking Without Causing Cancer"

[plural or contraction?]

"Cats in Heat Rolling Around in Shoes"

Get it? Contraction?

Tuesday, May 19

[no, you!]

"Pray to Saint of Arthritis"

[fetish alert]

"Girls Swimming in Water Wearing Winter Coats on"

I've seen a ton of the wearing-clothes-in-the-water variety, but never one as specific and demanding as this one. why don't YOU put on a winter coat and jump into the pool? Asshole.

[i dunno. why?]

"Why Do I Keep Going Over Quota?"

[i dunno, what?]

"What Is Dangerous About Living Near a Strato Volcano?"

[just askin for it now]

"Things Used By Hannah Montana"

Special thanks to colleague @annaroth for the submission. This is a keeper.

[the circle of life. or search]

" "i let my dog fuck me" "

this search is from this site's log files - someone searched for this query on google, clicked on a link to this site (we've covered special dog-human relationships), and thus the searcher completes the cycle, coined by a colleague as the "perversion recursion."

notice the double quotes, a good indication of a truly technical-minded fetish finder, using the quotes to find pages that specifically mention the confessions he/she seeks and craves.

[i'm just askin' ...]

"does dog food increase libido in humans?"

[get off the internet]

"are laptops better than computers"

you know what? just get off computers entirely. please.

[pee medicine?]

"Allergic Reaction to Orange Pee Medicine"

[quit it, queermo]

"Things that start with Q in Michigan"

Monday, May 18

[listerine in palestine]

"islamic remedies for bad breath"

[it's probably just something you ate]

"can fisting cause incontinence"

[seriously, Ed. Get to work.]

"Is Ed Going to Get Any French Chicks?"

Friday, May 15

[get off the internet]

"Which Country Does Food Come From?"

[well, you're on vacation...]

"Drinking While on Vacation During Pregnancy"

[space-chocolate continuum]

"Does Chocolate Melt When Travelling Over 50 MPH"
"Does Chocolate Melt When Travelling Over 60 MPH"

[what happens in canada...]

"Can a Marriage to a Russian Stay in Canada?"

[don't make me choose]

"When Will I Get Married in Future - Astrology or Black Magic?"

[all of them?]

"Churches in the Holy Land Related to Jesus"

[you have no idea]

"how to keep thick hair in place at military boot camp"

[san antonio?]

"the best spots to meet costa rican women while on vacation"

[that's not what it means]

"The Best Singles Sex Vacation All Inclusive"

Thursday, May 14

[there's a punchline here, right?]

"Can You Move a Refrigerator Laying Down?"

[we all want the same things, right?]

"does everyone secretly dream of becoming a nature photographer?"

[for jesus, on whichever social network I may find him]

"giving up facebook for lent"

"why i am giving up youtube for lent"

[wednesdays, 6pm]

"Nude Swimming at YMCA"

Wednesday, May 13

[how about you go back to school]

"how about a spaceship made of plastic"

[now THAT'S entertainment]

"where can I see a banana singing about peanut butter and jelly?"

[taKKKe a guess]

"What Is the KKK's View on Barack Obama Running for President?"

[unintended irony]

"Step-by-Step How to Make an Outline for a Paper"

[the changing]

"Menopause in Russia"

"Menopause + Husband"

"Menopause & Hate Husband"

"Menopause in the 1930's"

[sorry, what was that, yer'onner?]

"How to Use Attention Deficit As a Criminal Defense"

[who are these people?]

"Does Working at a Library Raise Your Credit Score?"

Tuesday, May 12


"who is my co-star?"

[you are stupid]

"the best hip hop dancer ever"


"how to ruin someones life in high school"

[um, what's your plan?]

"list of all small businesses in asia"

[may as well drop out of school now]

"history of country in asia"

Sunday, May 10

[mother's day special]

"How to seduce your mother"

"How do I seduce my mother"

These two searches combined (not including dozens of other variations I'm too grossed out to research) represent well over 2,000 searches per month).

Saturday, May 9

[pointless, unsolicited advice]

"positive things happen when people have good work ethics"

you know, hitler had excellent work ethics, too.
just because you assert something randomly and type it into google, doesn't make it true or insightful. this could possibly be the most meaningless aphorism i've heard all year.

[i'm just askin, ok?]

"Can I get pregnant if I let my dog fuck me?"

Friday, May 8

"could I be pregnant and not have tender fuller breasts?"

[scope 'em out, boys ]

"how to recognize a gay"

[flippin' the switches]

"how to turn someone gay"

[i don't remember these episodes]

"bart and lisa simspon porn"

"bart and marge porn movies"

"homer and lisa porn"

"patty and selma porn"

[kill yourself. please.]

"can i sell my car to myself?"

[fetish alert]

"Sexy Grannies in Stockings & Heels"

you had me at grannies...

[way to utilize the internet]

"Where Can I Hold a Birthday Party in Maryland?"

[maybe stop calling them females]

"How Can I Last Long on a Female"

[germ theory, 2009]

"Can One Get Asthma After Kissing Someone With Asthma?"

Thursday, May 7

[john doe v. protestants]

"Are All Christians (Protestants) Mean Beings?"

[the ubiquitous 'am i gay' - with a twist]

"am i gay becoses i lik ti look at horse cicks"

naaaaaay nooooo... of course not. you're simply a bad speller who likes to look at horse genitalia. good luck!

[put your pants back on]

"How Do I Give Myself a Wedgie?"

Wednesday, May 6

[oh, shut up]

"why do empaths attract malignant narcissists?"

[scathing anti-alien anger]

"ET phone home you niigger ass poop fuck you"

[just one,and please hurry! i'm on lunch break]

"were can a male get breast without operation?"

[fetish alert: regression edition]

"humiliating adult lady by spanking and diapering her"

so, who's the one being humiliated here?
I mean, really. you get pleasure only by spanking a grown woman and then putting a diaper on her. Not that your 'adult lady' friend *isn't* being humiliated, but I'll bet if you walked into work on Monday and told your colleagues about how awesome your I-played-with-an-adult/pretend-baby-and-changed-her-diapers weekend was, you wouldn't make it through the day.

[and what do you think?]

"my wife thinks i have a small dick"

[i can't think of one]

"drug free poems"

there once was a kid with a gripe,
who liked to smoke hash from a pipe

damn it, jim! this is impossible!

whose woods these are I think I know,
the kid from class who sells me blow

[fetish alert]

"mistress makes male take birth control"

Tuesday, May 5

[a party in my mouth]

"how to make out with pop rocks"

[can we see the letter first?]

"Where Do I Send a Letter to Billy Joel?"

repost with a fan illustration

"how not to cry when getting spanked"

[really really tell me]

"okay what really happened to steve"

Sunday, May 3

[not *my* problem]

"I'm Getting Sued by Santa Clause"

[an unexpected rhyme]

"sex moms with crotchless thongs"

[i want to know either answer]

"How Do They Make Whales Vomit Into Perfume?

[fuck the un-fun kids... leeches.]

"Free Games for Kids That Are Fun"

Saturday, May 2

[for the horse who has everything]

"equine christmas cards"

[sally saw a seashell slurping some sand]

"What Do Seashells Eat?"

Friday, May 1

[god in the tubes]

"how do i know i am saved?"
"how do i know i am spiritual?"
"how do i know if i am circumcised"
"how do i know if i'm jewish"

[get a new medical license]

"how do i know if i am performing a cervical exam correctly?"

there are so many things wrong with this one. so many.
"how do i know if it's ok to use something i found on the internet?

i really, really wish this searcher went a little further. it's times like now i wish i *could* track people's searches.

[love, embargo style]

"how do i know if a man from cuba is in love with me"